If you're looking for a super cheery, "my lap band is the greatest" blog post, be warned. This isn't it.
It isn't a secret that I completely underestimated how emotional this whole weight loss thing would be. I blogged about 8 months ago about going to counseling when I was horrified with my hanging skin. One day I looked at myself and got completely sad about how I looked.
Fast forward. I still have issues with the skin (arm flab, jelly belly, huge thighs). It is always in the back of my mind. Clothes don't fit properly (specifically pants because of the muffin top 'o flab). If pants fit in the waist, my ass is all baggy and they're too long. Bitch bitch bitch. When will I be happy with myself? When will I accept myself?
Every once and a while, something triggers really bad feelings about myself. The most recent time was Friday. I overheard two women discussing their weights at work. Lady #1 says to Lady #2, "Yeah, I weigh 193 now." My eyes bugged out. Tears filled my eyes and I felt my heart go up in my throat. The lady looks good. Her clothes are nice, she's generally an attractive lady. I thought to myself, "I weigh 198. That's 5 pounds more than she weighs. I SHOULD LOOK LIKE HER!! And then it happened. Downward spiral.
I was angry. Not just an ordinary angry, but a nasty angry. I should look like her. That phrase echoed in my mind all day yesterday and still is today. I was mad mad mad. I should look like her. She's eating fast food for lunch and I'm eating bird food one tiny bite at a time and fighting head hunger every day. I should look like her. I instantly hated her. We're close in age, height and weigh nearly the same, yet I still look so much fatter. I should look like her. It doesn't seem fair that she can look so good at 193 and I'm stuffing my belly into spanx so I can wear a pair of pants. I should look like her. But I don't. It doesn't seem fair. I should look like her. I guess I was expecting her to say her weight was like 160 or something. But 193? That's......almost my weight.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Oh Amy, you've come so far." Blah blah blah. Bullshit. I'm the one that sees my naked self in the mirror every day. I know what I look like underneath spanx. How do I let myself get sidetracked from my own goals when I compare myself to others? I teach kids that they're unique and there's nobody else like them. Yet in my personal life, I fail at that. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I my own worst critic?
I wrote this blog for myself. I posted it to share. Why? Because I wouldn't be a honest blogger if I didn't. It isn't all pretty little roses and lap band adjustments and losses. Please don't judge or feel sorry for me. I'm sure there aren't many people that will read this because of the length, lack of normal Amy humor, etc. There are ups and there are downs. There are also basement days. Days that are lower than low. Right now I'm in the basement. And slowly, like every time I've been hard on myself and knocked myself down, I'll climb back up the stairs. Stop doing this to yourself, Amy.
This week's mantra: I will celebrate my own victories. I will not compare myself to others.
I read the whole post and I never read long posts (ADD much). I have these days too..Being in the basement sucks. Its definatly not all roses and sunshine - hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAs you said we all go to the basement sometimes. You will get back up, we both know you will. Just know it is perfectly normal to feel that way sometimes.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to tell you, girlfriend. It just gets worse the more you lose. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it's hard not to hate people who've been naturally thin their whole lives. :-/
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to compare yourself to others. I do it too...I think we all do to some extent. Chin up buttercup...I think you are beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteI have done the same thing with my failed pregnancies. I get really angry and pissy in my head when I see women at the same stage of pregnancy that I should be at. I can't help but think "what is so special about you that you get be pregnant and I don't?" I don't know what the solution is but just know you're not alone in the feeling.
ReplyDeleteYes you are not alone in these feelings...its called being human. I am glad you shared this with us as this really is about connecting with people through the good and the bad. For now, I will allow you to be in the basement but come next Friday it will be all about us celebrating our victories! Take care my friend, I am only a phone call or a short twenty minute drive away....
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry you are feeling so bad. I think we all go there. I am not sure I will ever really be happy with my body again either. I am just trying to accept it. I have learned that how we see ourselves is often colored by how we feel about ourselves....
ReplyDeleteHey I hear you Amy... my only advice is strength training and maybe that will not work. Sometimes I just cannot stand people and other women at times. I think it is normal.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I had an afternoon planned out for a bachelorette party, but I went to spin class (20 miles) and then bootcamp. Don't ask..but I did. When I got ready to leave bootcamp, some "woman" said to me "well if your just going out today to eat and drink why bother working out?".
It took everything in me to not go White Trash BAT SHIT CRAZY on her ass.
Ok thats all I got for you, wish I had some magical cure but I dont think there is one other than good old hard strength training or surgery. My (.)(.) look like a sack of potatoes.
I go through the same thoughts. The difference is I don't blame HER, I blame myself. I let myself get so big that even at the same weight a other people, I'll still look crappy. It's like punishment for allowing myself to get that big in the first place. Is that the right attitude? Of course not! But I can't keep myself from going there.
ReplyDeleteI just went thru this last week. I hate seeing myself naked its just disgusting. I feel so ugly but you know I feel better than I used to and I will just have to keep working at it. I am so glad I am not at the weight I used to be because I never had skinny days. I at least have them every once in a while now
ReplyDeleteDon't underestimate us! Of course we read the whole thing! Why? because WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY SOMETIMES! I know it doesn't make it all better. But at least you know there are people that can relate, that feel the same feelings. It ebbs and flows...good days, bad days...basement days. This too shall pass :) just think about BOOBS! Whish I was going! :)
ReplyDelete((hug)) Your mantra sounds awesome. Thanks for your honest sharing. You gave me a lot to think about, because you were so authentic.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so in awe of what you have accomplished, in the weight loss, and also in all the other emotional work that goes with it.
My hardest moment has been realizing that no matter how much weight I lose and no matter how much I work out, I will never be "perfect" - ever. My body is ruined from years of morbid obesity. My thighs look like melted candles. My arms are downright scary. I'm 1000 times better off from when I was 292 pounds, but still...some days are hard. So I hear ya. I understand.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs...I think you are gorgeous.
ReplyDelete