Monthly Weight Loss

Down 7 pounds in February.  Still inching my way down to the -100 mark.  

A streetcar named desire....a train wreck named Amy....

I almost ended things with Mr. X earlier this week.  Why?  He's too nice.


Yeah, I said he's too nice.  How screwed up am I?  He's too considerate.  Too thoughtful.  Too understanding.  It makes me want to run away.  Mr. X, why must you torment my brain this way?  


I'm not used to this.  I'm used to dating guys that confuse me, upset me or otherwise aren't good matches.  Really.  This is strange.  He compliments me (he knows I'm embarrassed and I have a hard time accepting the compliment).  He says he won't stop because I deserve it and I need to hear it.  Shit.  Honesty is great, but aye...I'm having to deal with a lot of body image issues.  Last weekend at the botanical gardens, he asked to take a picture of me in front of some plants.  It pained me to stand there - I knew he was taking a full body picture.  So, so far out of my comfort zone.


When he says something like, "I wonder what that beautiful head of yours is thinking," or "You look beautiful today," -- I kind of want to curl up and hide from Mr. X.  Part of me is still convinced that he's up to no good.  That he must be lying...there must be some reason that he's saying things like that.  I realize that these thoughts are totally irrational - hence, the counselor appointment last week.  I've only been once, but I'm hoping he can help me deal with how things have changed since I've lost 90+ pounds.   My first assignment from the counselor is to rent, "Shallow Hal."  The description says, "A shallow man falls in love with a 300 lb women because of her inner beauty."     Well...I'm far from the 300 lb woman I used to be, but I still feel like her....a lot. 


I'll never be 300 pounds again.  Ever.


I love blogging.  Even if no one reads this, I feel better just saying this stuff.  Hello Cyberspace, I'm a train wreck named Amy. Enjoy the ride.

Nothing Says, "I'm Totally Into You," like your date hurling twice!

Updates, bullet style, I'm just in that kind of mood!

3D glasses --- with the giant fireplace reflecting in them.  

• Mr. X and I have been on four dates total.  Things are going well.  I have no idea where this will lead, if anywhere, but I like the guy.  I guess it is mutual since Saturday's date was 12 hours long.  I'm trying not to think to too much about it.  When I do, I go batshit crazy.  Pardon the French.
• The second date with Mr. X was a disaster.  I got the directions wrong and puked twice at dinner.  The first was a, "holy crap, I have to puke NOW" kind of episode.  The second was about 10 minutes later when SAL rejected a strawberry and I felt like I swallowed a sponge and just "had" to puke it up because it was stuck.  I'm pretty savvy to the whole Lap Band thing, but dang, sometimes I don't listen to my body and SAL makes sure to let me know that I've screwed up.  Never.take.the.band.for.granted.
• I went to the counselor today.  Hopefully I'll learn some ways to deal with the self-image stuff that I've got going on.  Meanwhile, I bought more shapewear.  And MORE shapewear.  Sweet Jesus, my whole body is being compressed.
• Got a teenie fill today (+.10), and I think I'm going to be in the green zone for a while.
• Since Mr. X, I haven't been working out as much as I was before.  This must stop.  Mr. X cannot come before my own personal goals.  I suck at balancing. I'm not sure how to approach this.  Hmmm.
• I decided on my 100 pounds lost reward.  As of this morning, I have 5 pounds to go.  I'm not rewarding myself with food...but I'm going to find my inner skank and buy something sexy.  Not sure what, but I'm going to make SURE that it is way out of my comfort zone.  BAM! (sorry dad).
• Mr. X loves to compliment me.  I get totally embarrassed.  He recognizes this and tells me that he isn't going to stop saying it because it is true and that I need to hear it.  Aye.  Learn.to.accept.myself.
• Pants are a loose size 18, probably ready for 16's within the next two weeks or so. I bought a size 14/16 shirt last week.  MOTHER OF PEARL.  I have no idea when I last fit into a 14/16, but it wasn't in the current millennium for sure.  
• NSV's (non scale victories)
• my butt doesn't take up the whole movie seat!  there's space on both sides!
• I can join the movie club now because the t-shirt comes in my size
• I threw away popcorn at the theater!!  

More later this week, but thought I would do a little update :)

The First Date Report & Video of Me!

Here's the nervous video I made while on the way there!


A first date on V-day?  Yikes, talk about pressure!!!  I met Philip on a dating website (not my preferred way, but what the heck?).  We've been talking on the phone and decided to meet up tonight.  When he initially asked me out, it was to Benihana.  For those that don't know, it is an upscale (well, in my world it is upscale) restaurant that serves a lot of meat.  Are you seeing the problem here?  MEAT.  I have a Lap Band.  Being nervous or overly excited makes it constrict slightly....um...yeah.  Hard to make conversation when you're chewing a piece of meat for 90 seconds.  I politely talked my way out of Benihana and suggested Starbucks.


Starbucks went well, things were comfortable. He brought some roses for me (um, completely embarrassing in Starbucks...hehe).  During our conversation, I began to feel super guilty about turning him down for Benihana.  Anyway, I totally blabbed that I had a Lap Band.  I had previously told him that I'd recently lost weight and was on the road to better health because we were discussing that he is working on bettering himself as well.  I basically told him the truth, that I knew I'd be nervous and I wouldn't be able to eat as normally as I would've liked to.  


You know what?  He didn't care.  Not a single bit.  Not a question, judgement....nothing.  I told him that I try to log my food at least a few days a week.  And guess what?!  He got out his cellphone and displayed everything he had consumed that day.  Seriously.  It was awesome.  I had no idea.  He even logged the two chocolate chip cookies he eat before meeting me.  What a guy.


Following Starbucks we grabbed a light dinner at Rubios (kids meal quesadilla - I'm a cheap date!).  Not a single problem.  By this time it was about 8:45pm.  We noticed the restaurant clearing out, but then when it hit 9:00, we still saw people so we figured out it must be open until 10.  Dinner was great, conversation was great...then the Rubio's manager came over and told us that she really needed to lock up.  Our jaws dropped.  She let us sit there talking for 45 minutes after closing.  We were in the back of the restaurant by ourselves and couldn't really see the front.  She said, "Happy Valentine's Day, you two" - and after both Philip and I profusely apologized, we ended our date.  


So...that's my evening.  I promise no more date info...I just had to blog about my first date in 1 1/2 years and post band.  I'm back in the saddle, girls and boys.  And I like it.  Yeeeeehaaaaawwwwwwww!!

C25K - Week 1, Day 1

Couch Potato to 5K !
Click here for more info about the program.
I use the iPhone app and like it so far!

My C25K partner - 1 year old Zoe!
Like her backpack? She's hardcore!  

We did it!!

Birthday Freebies ...

Well lookie what I found in my email this week.  Free dessert.  Eight months ago, I would have been all over this.  And now...screw it, it isn't worth it.  <pressing delete>

Inner Peace in a box?

Worth a try. . . 

Slight Unfill

I've had a nasty head cold for a week and a half, and although it is much better this week, I'm still not able to eat normally.  I went in today and got .25 removed, so hopefully I'll be able to get back to more meats soon.  I went back and forth about getting an unfill.  On one hand, I feel a bit like a failure, but on the other, for gosh sake, Amy, it is an adjustable gastric band for a reason!  Frickin get it adjusted and quit being uncomfortable!


I'm also getting a referral to a psychologist to discuss the, "my body is ugly" feelings.  I really hate feeling so critical of myself, but the sagging belly is sooooo bothering me.  It is causing low back pain, clumsiness and generally making movement more difficult.  Hopefully I can work through some of the issues so that I can still enjoy weight loss and getting back into shape.  Why?  Cuz there's more work that needs to be done!  


Whew.  I feel better.  Today was rough.  Thanks for reading my rant.

Updated Picture

First....the current me...

The old me...

Otis is not my friend. A blog about sagging skin.

91 pounds down.  I've decided to start dating after V-Day.


Here's my question...how am I supposed to feel good about myself when my body looks so terrible and saggy?  Within the last two months, things have gone south, literally.  My belly looks like a giant deflated balloon that has been rolled over by a truck several times.  I've named my belly Otis.


With clothes (spanx) on, I look fairly normal, just very chunky.  Clothes off and I look....well...terrible.  Who's going to find THIS sexy?  I take off my pants and this mystery monster of blubber (Otis) appears like a scene from a horror movie.  When I'm walking/working out/moving in general, Otis keeps moving even when I've stopped.  Ugh.


So here's my question for the veteran bandsters.  If you were single when you got banded, how did you approach dating?  I could care less if he knows about the surgery, but how/when do I reveal Otis?  I can cover up my arms fairly easily but Otis is difficult to hide.  Otis makes finding pants that fit appropriately a true challenge.  This morning the thought of wrapping duct tape under and all the way Otis to hold him in entered my mind.  Of course I wouldn't do that - but the thoughts are getting crazy.  If you had a partner at the time of surgery, how did/do they react to the body changes?


I have a feeling that Otis will be surgically removed once the WLS is over (quite a while out).  I never thought I'd need plastic surgery, but damn you, Otis.  Damn you!  No amount of exercise is going to make you go away.  BAH!

Altered Traditions!

Before My Lap Band

After My Lap Band

This year, after 33 years of celebratory birthday cake, I decided to break the tradition.  My 34th Birthday did not include cake.  Some traditions are okay to change. :)

Before and After

Before My Lap Band

After My Lap Band 

Yep - I can still occasionally eat thin crust pizza. This was a Red Baron pepperoni pizza.  I removed half of the pepperoni and put it in the freezer for another dish. I added turkey sausage for some more flavor.  I much prefer making my own, but sometimes I'll spring for a frozen one.

A cold and a lap band....oh my!

I had a nasty cold this past week.  This resulted in more weight loss.  How?  Well, my band is pretty darn snug right now.  The conjestion caused me to have very little appetite and also dramatically reduced the amount of food that I was able to eat.  I noticed this feeling when I had a cold a while ago, but this one was much worse.  I wasn't able to eat breakfast at all.  I managed to drink water and G2, but that was it.  Lunch was barely anything (1/4 cup of something mushy).  I was able to eat about 1/2 cup of mushy stuff at dinner.  


Hopefully I haven't screwed up my body/metabolism by being down for so many days.  I only made it to the gym last Monday for yoga, and the guilt is getting to me.  I've continued basic stretching and my sit ups and home, but not with the effort that I usually put forth.  Tomorrow I'll be back in the saddle.  Thanks to the cold, I lost three pounds in five days.  Yipes.  Hopefully it doesn't pile back on when I'm eating normally again!

7 Month Update & Current Goal

87 pounds down :)


that adds up to 304,500 calories that I've resisted since banding :)
a Butterfinger candy bar has 180 calories...so...a little math....and
I've resisted 1,691 snack size Butterfingers!

Starting Weight: 315
Current Weight: 228


Starting BMI: 50.8 (super morbidly obese)
Current BMI: 36.8 (severely obese)

Next major goal:  reduce weight to 215.
-BMI will be 34, which moves me from severely obese to just plain obese.
-marks 100 pounds lost