Things that make me happy...

I've always said that my blog is my diary...that I just choose to open it up for anyone to read and/or comment if they'd like to. That being said, today I'm logging in some NSV's.  No super exciting details about my life right now.  I'm still reading blogs, but I just haven't had the same interest level of writing my day to day life in blog form.  BOOBs turned out to be different than I expected (not bad, just different), and I've had a tough time wrapping my mind around things since.  Pardon my randomness, but here goes....

# 1

Saw a former co worker while I was out on a date last night.  Haven't seen her in 5 years. I walked up, said, "You know me, but I look different. Who am I?" She knew immediately, her eyes followed my face down to my body, and said said, "wow, you look amazing!" It felt good.  I wish I could have bottled up the look on her face and saved it for a, "a feel fat, bloated and unsuccessful" day.  LOL

Early this morning I got a friend request from FB and the following message:
"It was really great seeing you tonight! You again look AMAZING!!!! You also seem so happy. I hope we can catch up again soon. Maybe we can meet for lunch?"

She knew the fat, unhappy Amy. 

The "I don't care anymore," Amy. 

The "I've given up on myself," Amy.

The "I'm unhappy with my life and you should be too," Amy.

#2

Size 16 Jeans  

#3

Dave and Buster's Staircase!
A few years ago, I remember seeing the huge staircase at D & B's.  I remember my thought when I saw it (It is HUGE, no breaks in the middle, and super steep).  Last weekend I saw the staircase again.  I remembered the first time I had seen it.  I went up all of the stairs without a negative thought.  I wasn't out of breath.  At the top, I realized the NSV, and my eyes filled with tears (I've been super sappy lately).  That. Felt. Awesome.

#4  

Exercise.  My walking adventures leave me feeling pretty dang good.  I can't say that I burn a lot of calories, but my joints are happy (mom has osteo-arthritis with numerous joint replacements, her first in her 20's, and I'm not going down that same path).  I get out. I see things. I feel good.  

My First 5k :)

Although I hadn't planned on running any of the 5k, I did jog for about the first 2 minutes, just to keep up with the herd of people at the beginning.  Then I had an idea to pick up a glow stick that someone had dropped (while I was still jogging), and splat.  I bit the dust.  I ended up with a scraped up knee (not bad) and elbow (all scabbed up now).  I had my iphone and my keys in my bra and when I hit the ground, they went flying out.  Yipes.  Anywho, that was the end of jogging.  I walked the rest of the way.  I had a great time with some other AZ bandsters.  Here are a few highlights...

Nice clean, white shirt to start . . . 

 

NSV! Plane!

This was my napkin on the plane!  

This was me!  YES!  I still remember the time the flight attendant asked me if I needed a seat belt extender.  It was one of those feelings that I'll never forget.  When I'm old and grey, someone might have to help me buckle it, but I'll be damned if I'm ever too big to wear one again.

News anchor fights back against bully!

"Jennifer Livingston, a morning anchor at WKBT in La Crosse, says she tried to laugh off a viewer's letter, which read in part, "Surely you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain."

Take 4 minutes out of your day to watch this (the rant at 1:49 is my favorite part) ... how many of us have memories of being mocked because of our weight?  Here's a newscaster's in-your-face response to a bully...

Video/Story Link

Today's Lap Band Lesson (a little humor)

Today's lesson:  chew grapes well.  Very well...or you'll see them again.  I'm a fruit-a-holic (very anti-veggie).  I love my grapes.  Apparently grapes weren't in the cards for today.  Nothing painful, just 15 minutes of foam and silent cursing.  This was my prize.  ;)  I've been super stressed out lately, and sometimes foods that I eat all the time just don't work when I'm tense.  And yes, I took a picture of it.  Why?  Because I can.  Nah nah!

I should look like her.

If you're looking for a super cheery, "my lap band is the greatest" blog post, be warned.  This isn't it.

It isn't a secret that I completely underestimated how emotional this whole weight loss thing would be.  I blogged about 8 months ago about going to counseling when I was horrified with my hanging skin.  One day I looked at myself and got completely sad about how I looked. 

Fast forward.  I still have issues with the skin (arm flab, jelly belly, huge thighs).  It is always in the back of my mind.  Clothes don't fit properly (specifically pants because of the muffin top 'o flab).  If pants fit in the waist, my ass is all baggy and they're too long.  Bitch bitch bitch.  When will I be happy with myself?  When will I accept myself?

Every once and a while, something triggers really bad feelings about myself.  The most recent time was Friday.  I overheard two women discussing their weights at work.  Lady #1 says to Lady #2, "Yeah, I weigh 193 now."  My eyes bugged out.  Tears filled my eyes and I felt my heart go up in my throat.  The lady looks good.  Her clothes are nice, she's generally an attractive lady.  I thought to myself, "I weigh 198.  That's 5 pounds more than she weighs.  I SHOULD LOOK LIKE HER!!  And then it happened.  Downward spiral.

I was angry.  Not just an ordinary angry, but a nasty angry.  I should look like her.  That phrase echoed in my mind all day yesterday and still is today.  I was mad mad mad. I should look like her.  She's eating fast food for lunch and I'm eating bird food one tiny bite at a time and fighting head hunger every day.  I should look like her.  I instantly hated her.  We're close in age, height and weigh nearly the same, yet I still look so much fatter.  I should look like her.  It doesn't seem fair that she can look so good at 193 and I'm stuffing my belly into spanx so I can wear a pair of pants.  I should look like her.  But I don't.  It doesn't seem fair.  I should look like her.  I guess I was expecting her to say her weight was like 160 or something.  But 193?  That's......almost my weight.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  "Oh Amy, you've come so far."  Blah blah blah.  Bullshit.  I'm the one that sees my naked self in the mirror every day.  I know what I look like underneath spanx.  How do I let myself get sidetracked from my own goals when I compare myself to others?  I teach kids that they're unique and there's nobody else like them.  Yet in my personal life, I fail at that.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why am I my own worst critic?

I wrote this blog for myself.  I posted it to share.  Why?  Because I wouldn't be a honest blogger if I didn't.  It isn't all pretty little roses and lap band adjustments and losses.  Please don't judge or feel sorry for me.  I'm sure there aren't many people that will read this because of the length, lack of normal Amy humor, etc. There are ups and there are downs.  There are also basement days.  Days that are lower than low.  Right now I'm in the basement.  And slowly, like every time I've been hard on myself and knocked myself down, I'll climb back up the stairs.  Stop doing this to yourself, Amy.

This week's mantra:  I will celebrate my own victories. I will not compare myself to others.

Spit Happens.

Life in the The Land of Amy has been pretty rocky lately.  Last weekend I chalked it up to PMS.  I was all teary and moody.  This past weekend I couldn't think of another excuse.  I cried at the drop of a hat, listened to quite possible the saddest breakup song ever written), "What Might Have Been," and mourned Mr. X.  Again.  Seriously, Amy?  It has been two months.  You've already mourned the breakup.  You know why you ended it - remember the negatives?  Heellloooo?  Welcome to depression.  Population:  1 (or it seems like it, anyway).  This is the land of, "when a little thing goes wrong, it feels like the whole world is caving in."

Last week, a student spit in my eyes and I had to go to urgent care.  After all of the child psych places I've worked, been a special ed teacher for 4 years...etc....never once have I had to report any "injury."  I'm currently a teacher's aide, enjoying freedom from lesson plans and hours of prep work each night.  Imagine my surprise when I felt the spit land in my eyes.  It was disgusting.  He also spit in my co worker's face, but she said it did not go in her eyes.  Special Education isn't always a bowl of Edy's.

What was even more disgusting was the way it was handled by the teacher and administrator.  After getting my eyes flushed for 15 minutes by Nurse Ratched, I drove to urgent care.  I had to get blood drawn, and will have to go back in 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and one year.  Why?  For HIV tests.  In the eyes of medicine, saliva in the eyes is just as dangerous as a needle stick.  The chance is very slim, but still a risk.  Worker's comp.  Ugh.  I've never had to do anything like this before.  

The next day, the little bugger was spitting again.  He spit on my coworker (he will not spit on me again, I'm wearing my eyeglasses and steering clear).  I told the teacher, who told the administrator, who called the parent to pick the kid up.  I was happy.  A spitting kid should not be at school.  The parent showed up, pitched a fit and said that the teacher should know how to handle it.  The administrator allowed her kid to stay in the classroom and mom went home.  HOME.  I was pissed.  

Other than documenting the behavior, nothing else is being done to ensure the safety of the staff and other students from the little bugger. 

That's just one thing that's going on....but I promise that I'm reading everyone's blogs (pinky promise), I'm just not really able to write a happy funny cheery blog right now.  I will say one positive thing - I tried on my inspiration dress for BOOBs today (with, um, a lot of support help underneath!) and it fits!  Always end on a positive note, right?

Newsflash: Amy is not a runner.

I've tried to run.  I really have.  I tried C25K, I tried intervals.  All of this over the last year.
My friends, I have now accepted that fact that I am not a runner.

Part of me feels guilty.  I know that running burns a lot of calories and is great for my heart.  I know lots of people that run.  Heck, a lot of you reading this are those people.  I've tried to like it, really I have.  I would rather walk 5 miles than run 1/2 mile.  For real.  

The tummy flab (even with Spanx on) flops up and down.  It hurts.  I know, TMI, but I'm serious.  My knees ache, my back hurts, there's nothing enjoyable about it.  I feel like I'm going to fall flat on my face.  I thought that as I lost weight that I would "enjoy" it more and be better able to run.  That hasn't been the case.

I like walking.  I especially like taking Walking Pup with me.  It feels strange if I walk without her.  I power walk, get in a nice sweat, get my heart rate up and feel good at the end.  It takes longer than running, but it gives me time to see beautiful places and get in some good, "thinking" time.  I don't hike mountains, but I walk the nice paved areas around the mountains. :)  Maybe someday I'll hike.  We'll see.

So....I no longer feel guilty or that I'm not busting my butt and running miles upon miles.  For me, walking (and occasional gym) is how I'm going to lose the rest of my weight (along with a lot of diet modification).  I guess this is one more step in my journey...accepting that I don't have to be like everyone else.

O N E D E R L A N D !!!

I made it to Onederland!  

From 315 lbs to 199 lbs, baby.  

The Big Picture

A blog before work?  Me?  Holy wow.

August has been a busy month, with school back in session (and starting a new job) and various other challenges.  I was thrilled to meet more bandsters at our AZ group gathering.  I got to meet two other people that are coming to Chicago, so I'm even more excited than ever.  I have more blogging to catch up on, but that'll have to wait until the weekend.

Last month I was sick for 2 weeks, and I gained 2 pounds overall.  The challenge weigh in this past Wednesday showed a .7 gain.  I wasn't pleased.  It has been in the back of my mind since I saw the scale.  This morning, I stepped on for my end of month weigh in, and smiled.  200.8.  Almost back to the low of 200.0 that I saw earlier this month.  Closer to Onederland.

August 1st Weigh In:  209.0
August 31 Weigh In:   200.8
Monthly loss: 8.2 pounds

Monthly Weight Record Page (click here to see my progress month by month)

I haven't had a monthly loss this good since last January.  I may have had ups and downs, but when I look at the big picture, the entire month, I'm very pleased.  I think a big part of it has to be the fact that I'm (literally) running after kids on a daily basis now.  Pretty exhausting!

More this weekend!  TGIF!!

New Blogger Alert ! Sara - Lady and the Band

Remember the first blog you ever wrote?  

...how excited you were when you got your first comment?  

...how scary it was to put yourself out there?

Introducing ... Sara from Lady and the Band.  This gal has done her homework and is ready to begin her journey with the help of a Lap Band on August 30, 2012.  Please stop by and check out her brand new blog (I love the wallpaper, myself).  

The Most Awesome NSV ! !

I've noticed lately that I can feel my collarbones and hip bones, but tonight I saw them for myself!!  My dad was in town for a few days and we went to a murder mystery dinner theater.  Here's the pic that made my jaw drop! 

I .... H A V E ... C O L L A R B O N E S !!   (and arm flab)

I am starting to see the beginnings of myself as a "normal" woman.  I still have a long way to go in the self image department, but this is a nice step.  

Kind of special to see something so remarkable with someone I love.  My dad is one of my biggest supporters, and I like knowing that I'm a daughter that he can be proud of, both inside and outside.  Love you, dad!

Lab Results: Vitamins B12 and D

Although my B12 level was in the normal range, I've been taking a sublingual supplement daily for the last two months.  I haven't really noticed any change in the amount of energy that I have.  

I had a few labs done last week, and requested a B12 level. 

Ummmm...normal range is 211-946.  Amy's B12 level: 1820.  Oops. 

I guess I'm just overly efficient.  My little experiment with B12 is done.  I didn't see any changes in energy level, so I'm done with it.  All it really did was make expensive urine.  LOL

On the other hand, my Vitamin D level is finally in the NORMAL range!!  I don't have any record of it ever being normal (since the late 1990's).  I've been supplementing daily for quite a while, and finally have found a dose that gets me to where I need to be.

One Year of Gummy Fiber and Gummy Multivitamins!

Today's Purchases at Costco!


Vitafusion Fiber Well Sugar Free Gummies (220 count)

• dose is 2/day (so 110 day supply per bottle) x 3 bottles = 330 days!  cost $50.37 
• 5 grams of fiber

Vitafusion Multivites (250 count)

• dose is 2/day (so 125 days supply per bottle) x 3 bottles = 375 day supply! cost $35.91

Special Savings at Costco (sale ended today)  $3 off each bottle (for first two of each type), so saved $12.00.

Grand total for 1 year (more or less) of multivitamins and fiber:  = $74.28 (tax not included)

If you're not a Costco member, you can still buy online with a small upcharge.  This is BY FAR the cheapest I've found these vitamins!  They're GOOD!  No wheat, milk, eggs, peanuts or soy.  All natural flavors and colors.  Just a note, the multivitamins don't have iron, so if that's a concern for you, make sure to supplement.  Otherwise, they look pretty complete to me.  I take an additional Vitamin D supplement daily.  

Here's a coupon that you can print for $1 off at a regular drugstore or mass merchandise store (Target, Walmart).  It doesn't expire until 12/31/12 and you can print unlimited times because it is a PDF.http://nnpvitamins.com/LCVF_101411/QR_Coupon/

The fiber gummies are something new for me.  I stopped taking the chewable fiber tabs because they were nasty.  I'll happily take these gummies!  I'm going to be a happy pooper soon.  I hope.

Yummy Food: Flatouts!

Ok, first, let me say that these won't fit into everyone's diet.  They're nothing miraculous.  But, they are something nice to have around for a quick meal.  I've had the full size Flatouts before (made pizza), and it was nice to have a ready made "crust, " but I wasn't terribly impressed.   This week I saw that there is a new type/size called, "Foldits."  I found that half of a Foldit is perfect!  It isn't as thin as a tortilla and, when toasted before putting toppings on, is quite delish.   Pile on the protein and you've got a decent, portion-controlled meal.  Remember, the nutitional info above is for a whole Foldit, which would be two of the circles.  I found that 1 was all I needed.

These are usually located near the deli section and NOT with the tortillas.  I've seen them at Walmart and a few grocery stores.  

Enjoy :)

New Tennis Shoes!

Who's got new shoes?  I do!  Who paid out the a$$ for them....I did!  Ok, it wasn't that bad with a Groupon, ($80), but well worth it.  Now Walking Puppy and I can walk further, baby!

This store is hard core, I'm tellin' ya.  They do all sorts of testing to see how you walk (I walked on a dreadmill that was easily the largest I have seen in my entire 34 years of life).  The gal basically told me not to wear socks that have cotton (or very little), to help prevent further blistering.  I declined the socks she tried to sell me that were $28.  Yikes. An hour later, I watched the horrified associate's face as I put on my Crocs flip flops and carried my pretty new kick a$$ shoes to the car.  Yup.  I live in Phoenix.  I wear flip flops every day unless there's a dang good reason not to.

New shoes.  New blinky safety light for Walking Pup.  New armband for iPhone.  

USE THEM, AMY!

Amy's Adventure in Kale Chips

Kale chips.  Unless you've been living in a dietary hole, you've heard of them.  It is the latest health craze.  A "super food."  Read on.  

First, I purchased some ready made Kale Chips (garlic flavored) from the local farmer's market.  I really don't like green veggies much at all.  I've never been a salad person.  I figured I would try someone else's before I attempted to make my own.  


How much did one ounce cost?  SIX FIFTY.  Seriously?  Six dollars and fifty cents?  OMG.  But, being the faithful bandster I am, I needed to experience kale chips.  I coughed up (no pun intended, lol) the money and brought them home.

organic: kale, cashews, lemon juice, garlic, nutritional yeast, red bell pepper, green onion, pink himalayan salt

I chose garlic so it would hopefully mask the bitter kale taste.  Ick.  I wasn't impressed. It tasted like garlic flavored grass with a nasty aftertaste. I could choke it down, but I didn't enjoy it at all.  I was picturing "chips" that were dip-able, but these were fragile crunchy things that couldn't be dipped at all.  Ok, I bought, I tried, I didn't like them.

I decided to make my own.  I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea.  Their recipe used cashews, what about powdered peanut butter?  I made two batches.  The end result:  my kale chips were edible, but very leafy tasting and not good.  It looked like I puked on the kale and then baked it.  Fail.

So...yeah for me for trying something new.  I was hoping that I would find a new food that I would like.  

My Inspiration Dress for BOOBs 2012

This lovely new dress was given to me by a friend that bought it but is now too small for it.  I'm overall a size 18 (but physically very uneven, more like a 14/16). The dress is a 12.  


I've been looking at it since I got it.  I tried it on for the first time today.    I was prepared.  I had Kleenex ready.  I psyched myself up.  Ok, so I can't zip it up all the way, but I think with a few fewer pounds and a helluvalotta shapewear, I'll be able to wear it to the special dinner in Chicago.  


2 months and counting!  

Goodwill Shopping Trip!

What I got for $15 bucks....

Champion exercise shirt (has the air hole thingies)  I'm proud of this find!!

I look like wallpaper with this on, but it fits and will work for my job.

not winter yet, but a low cut thick sweatery top, I actually have cleavage!!

cute cute. and cheap.  emphasis on the cheap.

lightweigh sleep tank / Amy's feeling lazy and not getting dressed today tank

this looks really professional & I like it

frumptytown, USA, but it's comfy and was $2.50.  

the arms are too short for my liking (my Bingo arm waddles show), but it will work

Ten Things Thursday!

1) I got a nifty Champion exercise shirt (the kind with the breathable fabric an such) at Goodwill today.  Four bucks.  SCORE.  And it fits.  Can I just say how good it feels to just buy a shirt that's extra large without trying it on?  Let me say it again, it feels damn good.  


2) I wanted pizza something fierce today.  I know that one of the better brand choices for thin crust is Newman's, but they're pricey and I didn't have my coupons with me.  Dang.  I found some 200 calorie individual servings.  Then i saw Red Baron.  The thick crust individual pizzas.  Just for poops and giggles, I checked the label.  Plop.  In the cart.  I could eat a WHOLE individual size pizza for 200 cals more than the thin crust stuff.  I deserved it today.  I had egg whites for lunch (haven't had them in months because I really don't like them).  Anywho, I added turkey sausage on top of the pizza which added some calories, but it will keep me fuller longer.


3) The walking partner dog is doing well.  We did another 2 1/2 miles last night.  I ended up with a big blister on my heel, so I'm headed to the gym for pool action tonight.  Need to get the blister to heel (and get better tennis shoes) before another long walk.


4) I didn't weigh this morning.  This funky head cold has really been screwing with my weight.  I usually weigh every morning (and I don't get upsets about gains/losses because it has helped me to learn more about my body), but I will tomorrow.  I've been chugging water like it's going out of style and peeing like crazy.  My pee isn't yellow, it's clear.  Yeah, I'm consuming THAT much water.  


5)  I'm getting excited about BOOBs 2012.  Hotel - check.  Flight - check.  Can't wait to buckle the seatbelt.  No more, "Would you like a seatbelt extender, ma'am?'  Screw that.


6) I bought 72 of my favorite protein bars at Albertson's because they were on sale last week.  Clif Builder's Bar: Mint Chocolate.  It isn't the healthiest around (sugar, carbs), but one of the few things I can eat in the morning that gives me 20 protein and doesn't make me hurt.  If they ever discontinue this flavor, I'm sh!t outta luck.


7)  The dogs (all three) are stalking me.  I have about 3 minutes before 1 barks and then the other two join in.  Better finish this fast.


8)  I bought an armband for my iPhone when walking (Target).  It felt completely disgusting after last night's walk. Ewwww.


9)  The dogs are edging closer.  Crap.


10)  There are only a few days left in July, and I'm so hoping I can have a loss of one pound.  This month has been stressful (between the breakup with Mr. X and finding a new job), I really slid backwards with a gain.  I got up to 209.9 (from 205), until I got back on track.  Here's hoping that happens.