Yeah, I said he's too nice. How screwed up am I? He's too considerate. Too thoughtful. Too understanding. It makes me want to run away. Mr. X, why must you torment my brain this way?
I'm not used to this. I'm used to dating guys that confuse me, upset me or otherwise aren't good matches. Really. This is strange. He compliments me (he knows I'm embarrassed and I have a hard time accepting the compliment). He says he won't stop because I deserve it and I need to hear it. Shit. Honesty is great, but aye...I'm having to deal with a lot of body image issues. Last weekend at the botanical gardens, he asked to take a picture of me in front of some plants. It pained me to stand there - I knew he was taking a full body picture. So, so far out of my comfort zone.
When he says something like, "I wonder what that beautiful head of yours is thinking," or "You look beautiful today," -- I kind of want to curl up and hide from Mr. X. Part of me is still convinced that he's up to no good. That he must be lying...there must be some reason that he's saying things like that. I realize that these thoughts are totally irrational - hence, the counselor appointment last week. I've only been once, but I'm hoping he can help me deal with how things have changed since I've lost 90+ pounds. My first assignment from the counselor is to rent, "Shallow Hal." The description says, "A shallow man falls in love with a 300 lb women because of her inner beauty." Well...I'm far from the 300 lb woman I used to be, but I still feel like her....a lot.
I'll never be 300 pounds again. Ever.
I love blogging. Even if no one reads this, I feel better just saying this stuff. Hello Cyberspace, I'm a train wreck named Amy. Enjoy the ride.
Amy, it looks like it is easier to shed the weight, but not so easy to shed the baggage that came with it!! That is totally understandable, but what I want you to take from this is one thing. YOU are beautiful. You were a beautiful wonderful kind intelligent human being before the lap band and you continue to be one. Weight loss is only an added benefit to turning over a new you. How I wish your self esteem knew what I know about you. Having said that, my wish for you is simple. Happiness. My mother always told me that "only you can make you happy! Not a car, or money, or furs or a man. Only you." If you can remember that, you will be happy. If you are happy, you are confident, you will have swagger. If you have swagger, you will not need to worry about shallow or Mr. X. Once you don't worry, the right one should be there waiting for you. But, my mama always said this too, "don't count on your man for anything, not for money, not for a house, not even for a kid. Why do you think I gave you sisters?" And you know what.... as soon as I gave up trying so hard, as soon as I relaxed, I found a man. I was 29. The deal is it worked. I make myself happy. Or at least, I try. The rest comes naturally. I Love You and I BELIEVE IN YOU! Sorry if I seemed a little hard in our chat. I just hate to see you be LESS, accept less, just to be with a guy, even Mr. X.
ReplyDeleteWow - I've been there and done that. I could never understand Rambo's love..it took me years.
ReplyDeleteI love, love, love reading your blog, you are a true inspiration to me Amy. I used to date guys that did not appreciate me for who I was, then came Scott who showered me with love, compliments, friendship, respect, you name it. It took me a long time to get used to being treated like a woman should be treated. You know the rest of the story...so let Mr. X do all those things for you, YOU deserve it. Who knows maybe in time you will find that he is your Knight in Shining Armor as well. Even if he isn't enjoy every minute of it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can work through these feelings, I know I have similar thoughts at time of not feeling worthy. Sounds like you have found a nice guy and you need to believe in yourself to be able to accept him.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to your feelings about mr x. I married my MR X. Still don't get why he likes me and I still don't believe I deserve him ~ 13 years later...its getting easier ~ its a process. Shallow Hal is a great movie! Your head will catch up to your body in time ~ love your blog btw!
ReplyDeleteAww - I get it too but ya know what??? WE DO DESERVE IT!!
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and have worked SO hard to get where you now. Don't settle for anyone not amazing. If this guy is, give him a chance! You owe it to yourself!!
I would NOT watch Shallow Hal. Personally, I found it a bit offensive to overweight people but that's just my opinion. It's going to take longer for you to accept your new appearance and that you're worthy of good things longer than it did to take you to lose the weight. I wish it were easier.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I almost did the exact same thing, but I didn't - and it's still awesome. There doesn't seem to be a catch! :)
ReplyDeleteUm, I have the same issues with my husband. We have been married for 3.5 years and together 5.5 years, and I am still uncomfortable when he compliments me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day. I try not to roll my eyes, and hope that some day I will believe him!
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the lone voice in the crowd here... but, could it be that you are having a hard time taking the compliments and love from Mr X because YOU are not that into him?
ReplyDeleteJust something to think about.